Y'all Need Some Daniel Tiger in Your Life. . .
Y'all Need Some Daniel Tiger in Your Life. . .
Timeless Toddler Wisdom to Save the World.
It’s a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood. . .
I grew up during the Golden Age of children’s television. Prove me wrong. Sesame Street, 3-2-1 Contact, The Electric Company, and Hatchy Milatchy (more a regional phenomenon) entertained and entranced while subtly teaching about all manner of things without being preachy. More importantly than how they did their thing, is what they taught, which included the importance of being a decent human.
Of course, I’d be remiss if I failed to mention the god among mere mortals in this vein, the one, the only, Mr. Fred Rogers.
The genius of Mr. Rogers has never completely disappeared, and arguably it’s even more important in light of the world today. Thankfully, there are numerous books extolling his virtues and impact, along with a movie with none other than Mr. Tom Hanks (another national treasure . . . although I’ve always been partial to the Hanks of The Money Pit), portraying the icon himself.
When I was a kid visiting Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, I lacked a proper appreciation for his world and him. Obviously. I was a kid. But now that I have a son, I’ve been granted an opportunity to revisit the “Land of Make Believe.”
Out of the Darkness, Into the Light. . .
When I first sat P down to watch an episode of Mr. Rogers it was dark outside. We were on a life sabbatical traveling around England. Towards the end of our journey, he developed a bad habit of waking up early in the morning, as in really early, like 4am early.
While he’d never been a great sleeper, this was a new level and it left our little family at a lost. Neither his mama nor I are particularly functional before the sun comes up, and combined with the limited space and toys of travel a little TV time was a lifesaver.
I figured if I was going to trust my child’s attention to a show, the least I could do was find a good one. Nostalgia isn’t always a reliable indicator of quality, but I took a chance that Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood might stand the test of time.
I set P up with an episode online, and lo and behold, he was smitten, as was I all over again. I think the thing which really struck me was just how freakin’ slow it all moves. Not a lot happens. In contrast to the seizure inducing quick cut, action packed nonsense of say, Paw Patrol, Mr. Rogers spends a good five minutes watching a turtle crawl across the floor. And P was into it, totally captivated.
All too often I feel we error on the side of excess with our kids. We think they need constant stimulation in order to stay engaged, forgetting that everything (yes, even a lonely, slow-ass turtle) is new to them . . . and therefore interesting. Kids live in a world of wonder, more in need of nurturance than stimulation. And Mr. Rogers gets this.
A Tiger Named Daniel. . .
One of my favorite parts of Mr. Rogers Neighborhood was entering the “Land of Make Believe” aboard trolley. The puppets, King Friday (who I had my very own puppet of), Lady Elaine Fairchilde (who was honestly a bit scary), X the Owl, and Prince Tuesday all left a lasting impression on me. But I loved Daniel Tiger more than all of them. He was so gentle in his demeanor, with green eyes, a red nose, and his little watch. So, when I discovered Daniel had his own show, I was excited.
Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood isn’t only a modern, updated approach to Mr. Rogers, it has a couple of things going for it that Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood lacks. It doesn’t look old AF for starters. It’s animated, which offers a significant improvement over the OG puppets. And Daniel’s show is all about Daniel. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Mr. Rogers, but I could do without the sweaters and the shoe changing. And last but not least, there are a ton of songs. In fact, the songs are the main teaching tool. This makes them easy to remember and P loves music. So, it’s a win-win; Mr. Rogers and the cake.
Wisdom’s Where You Find It. . .
Say what you will about kids and screens, I don’t care. I’m not interested in the black and white of the world, literally or figuratively, and most people’s thinking on this issue says more about their own addictions than whatever the hell is good for their kids. And I’m fine with being a little bit this and a little bit that, with being a little bit right and a little bit wrong. Real life and real people refuse neat and tidy categorization, no matter how hard we try. Screens aren’t good or bad. They just are. It’s how you use them that matters.
I’m a pragmatist at heart (What up Dewey!), so for me the question of value (often) comes down to the results. Is P getting something good and positive from his screen time? Yes? Well, then I’m in . . . in moderation. And the other day when he was struggling with something or other and I remembered the relevant Daniel Tiger earworm, and I sang it to him, and he calmed down, my suspicion was confirmed. Which got me thinking.
I’ve written about how most adults behave like toddlers and that we need to grow up. I think this is true. But when Daniel Tiger reminded me that “we can do things a different way,” I wondered if there wasn’t maybe an alternative to growing up. Because let’s be honest, it’s hard work and most of us aren’t up to it. So, what if instead we embrace the wisdom of the toddler? What if we embody the things we learned as little ones and for whatever reason forgot along the way?
And so, that’s what we’re going to do today boys and girls. We’re going to explore how by following Daniel Tiger’s example we can be better people. So, let’s put on our listening ears, and maybe, just maybe, if enough of us listen, it’ll move the needle. And if not, well then, at least we’ll be better for it.
“Do you want to make believe with me? Do you?”
Feelings. . . Nothing More Than Feelings. . .
Who would’ve guessed in the year 2024 that Broadway cats and cartoon tigers would have the inside line on dealing with emotions? Not me. That’s for sure. But here we are.
Emotions are everywhere these days. And that’s a good thing. Because despite the presence of Mr. Rogers, the early 80s wasn’t a high point for childhood expression. Those were the days “to rub some dirt in it.” And, it wasn’t just kids who were told to “shut up or I’ll give you something to cry about.” Adults were struggling too. There was a lot of stuffing, and not just of turkeys. In my other life as an acupuncturist, I tell my patients, only half joking, if they don’t deal with their emotions now, in 20 years they’ll show up as cancer. So, we should all be doing our best at feeling and processing our emotions. They’re real. They’re important. But, they aren’t reality.
When we confuse what we’re feeling with what is, it’s called a “cognitive distortion.” That’s a fancy phrase for “fucked up thinking.” I kid, but not really. Most people confuse the two. Greg Lukianoff and Jonathan Haidt discuss this extensively in their book, The Coddling of the American Mind, and go so far as to say, this is one of the key factors making us stupider, and making it nearly impossible to have simple conversations.
But there’s no need to worry. Daniel has laid out the purrfect emotional road map. It’s simple really. We feel our emotions. We process them. And . . . wait for it . . . we express them in healthy ways, that is, in ways which don’t negatively or unfairly impact others, and then we let that shit go.
It’s important to remember there are a lot of feelings. So Many Feelings, in fact:
There are so many feelings for you to know So many feelings like colors in the rainbow Be happy with a smile Or sad with a frown So many feelings You may feel disappointed when things don't go your way You may feel mad if you've had a bad day It's okay to feel any way
And it’s okay to feel any way. There’s sadness and happiness. There’s shame and pride. There’s jealousy and compassion. There’s grief and joy. There’s fear and courage. There’s anxiety and confidence. There’s love and hate. We can feel any and all of these, sometimes within the span of a day. And there’s nothing wrong with any of them, or us. It’s our job to feel them. They’re ours after all. We should never shy away from our feelings.
However, some emotions require a bit more attention to detail. In particular, I’m thinking about anger. This is because anger has a tendency to boil over. There’s potential for more collateral damage with it because people aren’t often in control when they’re angry. This loss of control is why a lot people who struggle with anger (guilty) don’t even like feeling angry. But it’s going to happen. We’ve all been there and we will be again. So, we have to learn how to deal with it.
And we start by remembering It’s Okay to Feel Angry, but that we can control it:
What can you do when you feel so mad So mad that you could hit Did you know there's something inside you That will help you stop it It's good to know that you can stop When you're about to do something wrong When you find yourself getting so so mad Try to remember this song Stop stop stop It's okay to feel angry It's not not not Okay to hurt someone You can stop when you want, You can stop when you wish You can stop stop stop anytime And what a good feeling to feel like this And know that I can stop at any time Stop stop stop It's okay to feel angry It's not not not Okay to hurt someone So when you feel like you're getting mad You can find a way to get calm You can squeeze your stuffy tight Or dance with all your might You can run really really fast Or do some jumping jacks Stop stop stop It's okay to feel angry It's not not not Okay to hurt someone
And, that no matter what happens, we always remember to Use (Our) Words:
Use your words, use your words Use your words and say how you feel Most problems can be solved When you use your words So use your words and say how you feel Use your words, use your words
Emotions can feel bigger than life, but they aren’t. They’re feelings, not reality. If one starts to run away with us, we don’t have to follow it. We can just let it run its course. I know this is easier than said than done, but all we have to do is try. And then, if we mess up from time to time (which we’ll all do), we can remember that “Saying I’m Sorry is the First Step. It’s not about being perfect, but about striving to do a little better each and every day.
I Just Called to Say. . .
A couple of weeks ago was the 23rd anniversary of 9/11. I remember sitting on my couch in Denton, Texas getting ready to TA a philosophy class when I turned on the TV. My world was shaken, even though I wasn’t directly affected. I didn’t know anybody in the Twin Towers. I don’t think I even knew anybody who lived in NYC at the time. And while a lot of things changed as a result of that day, I would’ve never guessed I’d still wrestle with it today. But I seem to do so more and more with every passing year.
I don’t know if it was having my son, which effectively and irrevocably, broke my heart wide open, or if it’s living in New York, or if I’m just getting soft in my old age, but I feel the weight of the day like a ton of fucking bricks. I’m like Obi-Wan Kenobi when Alderaan gets zapped by the Death Star. A wave of grief swallows me up and it takes me a moment to realize what’s going on. “Oh yeah,” I say, “It’s 9/11 again.”
The point here isn’t my fragile mental state, but the importance of telling the people in our lives that we love them. Because there’s no guarantee we’ll be around tomorrow to tell them, or God forbid, that they’ll be here to hear it. And I’m willing to bet no matter how much we’ve said it, one more time wouldn’t hurt.
And here’s the best part. It doesn’t matter how we do it. Of course, we should try to find a way the person we’re telling will appreciate. We shouldn’t give a chocolate cake to someone if they’re allergic to chocolate, but short of being an idiot, There are Many Ways to Say I Love You:
There are many ways to say I love you There are many ways to say I care about you Many ways Many ways So many ways to say I love you There's the sharing way to say I love you There's the caring way to say I think about you The hugging way The listening way The singing way to say I love you 'Cause making something is one way to say I love you and I care in a special tiger way You could blow a kiss or give a hug or two or three 'Cause making something is one way to say I love you There's many ways to say I love you
But we don’t have to stop there, because the next best thing to saying “I love you,” is “Thank you”. Feeling and expressing gratitude is another win-win situation. It’s good for the giver and the receiver. Turns out expressing gratitude is a great way to ensure our well-being in general. And it doesn’t cost us a thing:
Thank You For Everything You Do Thank you for everything you do Thank you This is our chance to say to our friends Thank you for the fun we have But every day's a great day to say thank you To anyone you choose Thank you for everything you do Thank you for everything you do Thank you For all the times that you've helped me or made me laugh A smile given to me when I was sad I want to let you know about the great things that you do So thank you Thank you for everything you do Thank you for everything you do Thank you for everything you do Thank you
Hell, we can even do this for people we don’t like, because they teach us so much about ourselves and our lives.
Be Yourself and Let Other’s Be. . .
I recently joined the volunteer fire department in my hamlet. And I love it. (Brief aside: what do a police officer and a firefighter have in common? Growing up they both wanted to be firefighters.) I love it for a lot of reasons. One, it’s a way to contribute to the community, to build a sense of place and purpose. Two, I get trained to fight fires for free. Three, it’s a bit nostalgic for me, reminding me of my time working wildfire. Four, the people are real.
I won’t lie. My transition to Upstate hasn’t been easy. One of the things which has made it hard is the “vibe.” Don’t get me wrong, I needed to leave Denver. If I saw one more person bathed in Patagonia, I was going to lose it. So, I appreciate that people wear real clothes here, but there’s a palpable sense of coolness I could do without.
At the fire station, there isn’t any of that. It’s just a bunch of guys and girls doing their thing. And they come from every walk of life. There’s everyone from me to Reed, who I’m guessing has probably never left the county. And there are people who will, without a doubt, 100% vote for Donald Trump (*GASP* *pearl clutch*). But, it doesn’t matter.
It’s hard to put my finger on exactly why. Based on how things are “supposed” to be, our group shouldn’t exist, shouldn’t function, and sure as shit shouldn’t like each other. And yet, there we are, a unicorn in the flesh.
It goes to show the polarization we hear so much about these days isn’t out there. It’s in us. It’s not something that’s happened. It’s something we’ve done. And if that’s true, then we can just as easily undo it. We only have to remember (and accept), In Some Ways We are Different:
In some ways we are different But in so many ways, we are the same I use crutches And I have a fuzzy tiger tail But we both love the color red In some ways we are different But in so many ways, we are the same I move a bit slow And I can run really fast But we both love playing together I have fuzzy fur And I have hair on my head But we both have big brown eyes In some ways we are different But in so many ways, we are the same I have hair on my head I have striped fur instead I feel grrr-iffic Me too Sometimes we feel the same In some ways we are different But in so many ways, we are the same I have fingers and I have toes I have paws instead of those I feel so happy So do I Sometimes we feel the same We are different but that's okay Because sometimes we feel the same way In some ways we are different But in so many ways, we are the same
If simply putting up with people is the best we can do, it’s better than nothing, but we could even go so far as to find a way to celebrate them, or appreciate what they bring to our lives. When I think about it, the last thing I need is to hang out with more people who think, believe, and act like I do. I get a lot more out of life when I’m surrounded by a diversity of people. This is why I always try to Find a Way to Play Together:
Find a way to play together And find a way to share with each other Playing is great Playing together is so much better Find a way to play together Each one of us brings our own special gifts And makes us who we are And when we play together the time we spend is better And more exciting by far Find a way to play together And find a way to care for each other Playing is great Playing together is even better Find a way to play together Find a way to play together
One of the things which has made this a whole lot easier is when I have a sense of, and confidence in, what makes me special. I struggle so much more with people when I feel intimidated, or somehow inferior. But if I can find a way to see my gifts, my talents, and what I bring to the table, then I can relax and just be with others, marveling at their unique abilities. After all, Everyone is Big Enough to Do Something:
Everyone is big enough Big enough to do something Everyone is big enough Big enough to do something I just love being my size cause little kids do big things I can lie in the green grass and make friends with all the ants I just love being my size cause I can sit on someone's lap Everyone is big enough Big enough to do something I can hide behind the bushes when we play hide and seek I can thank my mom for loving me with a little kiss on her cheek Everyone is big enough Big enough to do something
And who knows? This just might lead us to learn something new about ourselves, our world, or even walk away with a new friend. Just imagine the possibilities.
Put Down the Coal. . .
The other night P and I were sitting in the tub. I forget how it started, but we ended up talking about good and bad. I remember a long time ago, long before I entertained the idea of having a kid, I had a discussion with a four year old about infinity. Kids’ minds have a way of needling down on things. I challenge anyone to sit down and answer a series of toddler questions without resorting to, “Because that’s the way God made it.” I’ve heard there are no atheists in foxholes. I don’t think there are many among parents either.
Anyway, I told him how “good people” carry a light in their hearts, and “bad people” put out other people’s lights. It was the best I could do. I tried to channel the man talking to his boy in The Road (one of the greatest parenting books of all time . . . prove me wrong). But I don’t speak (or write) like Cormac, and it isn’t easy to explain why there are people who do bad things and why they hurt others.
I’ve been hurt, just like everybody. I’ve even dished it out on occasion. But, on the whole, I’m a light carrier. And I want my boy to be too. Which is why I told him the most important thing he can do is to focus on being good, no matter what.
Our natural inclination in the face of harm, or injustice, is to strike back, but if you want to carry the light, this isn’t an option. Because hate, anger, spite, and resentment only hurt those who hold them. They’re like hot coals. If we pick them up, they burn us. It’s best if we not even bother, but it’s also never too late to put them down if we find ourselves holding one. Better late than never, because as James Baldwin wrote, “Hatred, which could destroy so much has never failed to destroy the men who hated, and this is an immutable law.”
Choosing to be kind, loving, and compassionate, even in the face of cruelty, saves our soul. It’s odd, but being kind is one of the most “selfish” things we can do. And, it’s always an option, simply Choose to Be Kind:
You can choose to be kind So let your love shine You can choose to be kind Being kind is the right thing to do Being kind to others feels good too You can choose to be kind Any place or any time You can choose to be kind You can choose to be kind So let your love shine You can choose to be kind
It’s that easy. Simply choose: decent or not, helpful or not, leaving the world a slightly better place or not.
Let’s Learn to Walk (Again)…
I worry about the state of the world. I think about ways to improve it all the time, but all of them seem to begin and end with me (or you as the case may be). Our outsides really are a reflection of our insides. If we want the world to be better, or different, then we have to be willing to be better, or different, as well.
It doesn’t take much.
The other day I was in the grocery store. This grandmotherly woman in front of me found a lemon she forgot to pay for. She didn’t know what to do. She’d already paid. I was next in line. It was obvious she didn’t want to bother me, but she clearly couldn’t leave the store without paying for the lemon. She mouthed the words, “I’m sorry,” as she handed it back to the checkout girl, who laid it on the scale.
“I’ll pay for the lemon. Just ring it up with my stuff.”
The grandmother turned, “Really? You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. It’s not a problem. It’s only a lemon.”
She pulled a dollar from her purse, like my gram used to, and tried to hand it to me. I gave her a look like, “Lady, it’s a fucking a lemon.” But what I said was, “I’m not taking your money. I should’ve thought of it sooner.” And I should’ve.
Being good and decent is something most of us have forgotten how to be. We’ve gotten out of practice. But, it’s okay. We can learn again. We can start by taking some baby steps.
We tell our kids to share. We tell our kids to be kind. We tell our kids to be patient. We tell our kids not to pick on anyone. We tell our kids to try new things. We tell our kids to be nice and play nice. We tell our kids that they’re special. We tell our kids to be helpful. We tell them all sorts of things, really important things . . . all we have to do is try to do them too.
So, maybe we start here, or go back, and instead of trying to grow up, we embody a bit of our toddler wisdom. Maybe we try to remember a time when we cared and wanted to make those around us laugh with stupid jokes, when we wanted to share the incredible thing we just learned, or when all we wanted was to snuggle, and from there sit back and watch the world become a better, happier, kinder, gentler, and saner place where We Take Care of Each Other . . . all because a silly cartoon tiger reminded us:
If you feel sad I'll try and make you smile And I'll stay and talk with you a while I'll lend a hand if you need some help And if you fall down I will help you up If I care for you and you care for me That's what makes us friends and family So we take care of each other We take care of each other If you feel sick I will take care of you Because that's what friends and family do I'll be by your side if you're lonely And I will stay close if you need me If I care for you and you care for me That's what makes us friends and family So we take care of each other We take care of each other We take care of each other